WORLD’S SHORTEST (AND BEST?) COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS(With helpful hints for the speaker)

 
       Above: Pallas Atena and a Commencement Speaker
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“Remember: even if you win the rat race, you will still be a rat.”
Helpful Hints:

1. Plagiarize. It is part of a grand tradition and sets a good example for the graduates.
2. If you sit down after the word “ . . . be a rat,” they will all applaud.

3. If you continue speaking, they will all fall asleep.
4. After the ceremony suggest to the adulating crowd of faculty and administrators that this should have been said four years earlier, during orientation week, and again, one way or another, in every course taken by every student.