Zombie's Mausoleum of choice
ZOMBIE NIGHTS III
On –isms, especially the wicked ‘populism’
Wherein the Zombie appears by night, populism is deflated, and a tryst arranged.
On Thursday night I finally completed the punishment the sadistic Zombie had imposed. Upon me. I finished reading that agonizing book the New Politicians of Fifth Century Athens. , I was exhausted and fell into a deep sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night I became aware of something – no! some body- next to me in bed. YOW! It could only be the zombie bent on erotic mischief!
I jumped out of bed, put some clothes on as fast as I could and growled:
“What are you doing here? How did you get in.? Get out.”
“I just thought I’d come a day early to see how you were doing. But when I slithered under the door I found you were already asleep, so sweetly that I didn’t want to disturb you, so, well, I just slipped under the covers to keep warm. Don’t you ever heat this garret? It’s cold being a zombie, you know.”
“Why in the world did you come a day early? Isn’t once a week enough?”
“I felt bad. I made you read that wretched book. It seemed cruel and unusual punishment. I thought I’d give you a reprieve.”
“Too late. It is a wretched book, .the worst thing I have read in the ten years since I graduated from UC Santa Barbara with a major in Necromantic Studies. But I finished it. So let’s leave it at that.”
“Oh, no!” Zombie seemed almost in tears. “The whole idea was that we would talk about it and figure out why it was so bad.”
“OK,” I gave in, “let’s have a quick talk and then I’ll go bac to bed and you will go back to Zombieville or wherever you hang out.. And that will be that. No more slithering under the door or between the sheets.. OK?”
Zombie looked dubious.
“I’ll make a cup of tea and we can sit next to each other on the sofa, but just for a few minutes.”
“Do you have Chamomile?”
“Sure.”
“Ok then.”
After we started sipping the tea, I told Zombie that usually I liked bad books better than good ones. . “Good books just make you assent. They compel agreement. Bad books make you ask yourself what is the right way of thinking about this stuff?”
“So is this a good book or a bad one?”
“I don’t know. I was so exhausted by all thus Atheno-centrism thatmy brain wouldn’t work. So I went to bed to sleep it off.”
“You’re the one who wanted perspective, to get some distance on Tr*mp and what he is doing to l life in this country, including your miserable sex life. Remember?”
“We are not going to talk about my sex life. We are here to talk about high minded stuff, populism. But this book is no help. It never talks about populism. It doesn’t even use the word.”
“Except once.””
“That part is just blather about these politicians being anti-elitist. Big deal. In a democracy you bash elites. Everyone knows that. But where’s the serious analysis of populism? New Politicians doesn’t analyze the phenomenon.. So all this talk about Athens isn’t relevant. ”
“That’s nonsense.” Zombie insisted. “ You just didn’t like the book because it didn’t match your crackpot theory that populism is ‘discourse” not a set of policies or a political philosophy or anything like that.”
“You are not going to defend this book, are you?”
“I wouldn’t go that far.. but ....”
“But what?
“I hate the word populism. I think we’d be better off without it.”
“All the smart people talk about populism all the time, espexially whenever they talk about Tr*mp and his overseas look-alikes. Populism is where the action is.”
“I thought you were down on all the smart people. They sure messed up in predicting the election outcome, didn’t they?”
”Yeah, sure, but you can’t wiggle out of the importance of getting a better understanding of populism. All this book does is talk about demagogues. ”
“It is such an ugly word.”
“Demagogues?”
“No, populism.”
“What’s the matter with it?”
“It’s a hybrid word: Latin at the start, with a Greek ending.”
“What’s the matter with hybrids? Someday I will buy one”
“Not at the rate you’re going: ten years out of college, big debt, no job, living in a garret, no sex life..”
“Lay off; just tell me what you’ve got against words like automobile, or television. They are half Greek and half Latin.”
“But when the Greek half is –ism you are in for trouble.”
“Like communism?”
“Or capitalism.”
“Or romanticism..”
“Or classicism.”
So it is ugly. So what? It’s useful.”
“It’s a neologism.”
“Can you get arrested for committing a neologism in public?”
“No, but maybe you should if the word goes viral..”
“Is it really such a new coinage?”
“Ask Siri.”
“I can’t afford an iPhone.”
“Here,, use mine.”
“Here it is: 1895 is the answer. American.”
“Keep going. Read the definition.”
“ ... any of various, oftenantiestablishment or anti-intellectual politicalmovements or philosophies...”
“Stop right there! That’s where things go wrong.”
“What do you mean? That’s a good definition.“
“Use your head, dumbo. If you use populism, you are likely to do what that definition does – assume that it is a systematic pattern of belief, or doctrine, a philosophy, an ideology, or a coherent set of policies.”
“What’s the matter with that? Tr*mp has policies. Lots of them. They might even be coherent. The problem is they are bad policies. We needd to argue about policy.”
“Wrong! The man is a vortex, a huge moral vacuum that sucks into itself anything that’s not anchored down – whatever is in The National Enquirer, a talk show, a factoid. a Steve Bannon rant., There is no there there. Call it populism and you have played right into his hands. ( I shifted to the far end of the sofa as Zombie said this. You may remember Zombue has this thing about hands.) A;; the smart people dither about his “populist policies” They don’t see the moral vacuum.”
“So he is not a populist?”
“He’s a demagogue. He wants to lead people. He doesn’t care where. As long as they follow and applaud. That’s why he can change course so easily. He heels no need for consistency..”
“But demagogue is meaningless. It glues together “people and “leading,” but doesn’t say anything about where they are being led. It’s as if these politicians were like the pied piper.”
“Well? Does that sound familiar?”
“OMG!. I see where you’re headed, Zombie. If you are right, it would change everything!”
“Well,.” Zombie said with uncharacteristic modestly, “It could explain how a politician could succeed with no coherent policies or with half-baked ideas that were really against the interests of the people who vote for him..”
“You mean they get sucked into the vacuum, like everything else? It is like Typho, the typhoon god!”
“Spoken like a true necromancer.”
-Somebody really ought to write thist up.” I mused. “. Start with the Greeks maybe. Do a book about demagogues,. I bet it would sell. Get me out of debt. Displace the junk that is out there right now.”
“Good idea. Better than writing satirical sketches that Saturday Night Live will never produce. You should write this book., Call it ”The First Populists.” Then show they were not populists at all. “
“Great idea, terrible title.”
“Make up your own title then, but get us out of the rut New Politicians has had us in for 45 years. You have to rewrite the whole thing, all by yourself.”
“No way,” I replied unaware that I was stepping into a trap. “I can’t possibly do it alone. Too much work..”
“Well, in that case, I guess I have to make the sacrifice and help you with it. That is the only way it will get done.”
“Ghost writing. So to speak?”
“I can show you how to plagiarize.”
“Without getting caught?”
“Of course; it’s easy. I can show you how to embroider what you plagiarize with some fashionable discourse-theory discourse.”
“Where were you when I was in college and really needed help with my term papers? But let’s get a better title for the book, maybe one that has a clever pun and lots of words? That’s very trendy nowadays. I was thinking of something like The Tanner’s Hide: Secrets of the ancient populists and why only they can save us now from the mess we are in..”
“It would be hard to do better than that, but together we can bring it off. ”
“With big-time marketing?”
“I know the ropes. I’ll help you. Big time.”
“And with an agent for the movie rights?”
“Sure, and for an animated TV series. The Cleons.. modelled on the Simpsons.’
“On Fox?
“Absolutely. All that and more. “
“That is so-o-o kind of you.”
“We could start work together on a working vacation. I know just the place for us, rural, quiet; just the two of us. No one to bother us.”
“Where?”
“In an authentic McKim, Mead & White building. You admire fine architecture,, don’t you.”
“Absolutely. They are great architects. I’d love to live in a place they designed. Where’s the place?”
“Met ne next Friday at Rock Creek Cemetery. Right at midnight and I will show you. Bring your double sleeping bag It gets cold there.”
“Will you bring your iPad?”
“Of course if you bring some wine and a candle or two.”
“OK. It’s a deal. I’ll be there.”
“Promise?”
“I promise,”
“Cross your heart and hope to ...”
“Cross my hear and hope for the best. ”
--
Next installment: Zombie Nights IV: Aristophanes’ Dark Secret. Coming soon to a computer screen near you. Rated PG-13 fir a change.
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